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There is no Stage V

May 29, 2012 by Momma Bear

I woke up this morning and it was garbage day AGAIN.  Just saying – I really can’t figure out how that keeps happening.

Treatment is affecting me… I know this because I am really tired and pretty spacey and spell-check is having to work overtime.  All in all, though, it’s not so bad.  I still really feel like if you HAVE to have fucking cancer, you would be pretty lucky to be surrounded by the people I am.  Except for my ex, and only in my treatment haze am I allowing myself the luxury of admitting ‘out loud’ how appalling his behavior is.  That is the ONE truly low self-pitying moment I have had over and over… and here goes Alanis Morrisette again… but if lung cancer is the #1 cancer in firefighters, how did *I* get it, not him???  Okay, enough.  I suspect I will regret hitting ‘publish’ but keeping it real this morning.

Keeping it real.  This clip makes me laugh SO much, I have watched it a million times and shown it to people over and over – no one finds it as funny as me, I’m sure.  Sorry if it makes you watch an ad first… it’s worth it.

This morning I am scared.  Doing a lot of second guessing of myself for not mentioning the headaches, or the other thing that started just around the same time, which is a weird lower backache.  Not muscular, more spinal in the base.  And I did it again… the first few days I pulled it, the next few I am deconditioned, the next few it’s cramps… when finally I have to admit that ummm…. YUP, I think I have some bone pain.  I did mention it and now I am having a PET scan this morning.  The scanxiety is getting to me.  And now my brain is working overtime and every little feeling is being highly analyzed for potential cancer risk.  I sooo don’t want to be that girl.  Plus I totally screwed it up and am now worried I am fasting for nothing (not an easy task on steroids… I’m not going on a bull named Fu Man Chu, but you should see what I can do to those cupboards in 2.7 seconds).  I am pretty spacy, and to be fair, this is my first pet scan with this timing involved… but in my focus of what I was supposed to do THIS MORNING for it, I forgot there was some stuff I was supposed to do last night.  Which, for example, is eat a high protein low-carb dinner.  That is no part of what I did, but dinner was one of the yummiest and most enjoyable meals ever… thank you Goldbugs.  So now I’m wondering can they do the test?  And how much more of this can I take?  And WHY am I so freaking nervous???  I keep telling myself there is no Stage V.  I mean, I already have Stage IV cancer… could it REALLY be worse?  All I accept it means is just more treatment, and bring it bring it bring it.  I envision a day, though, where this stage is behind me.  I can accept that this will be a chronic disease for me, but I am determined and hopeful that we can find a way to manage it and keep living.  A different life for sure, but a blessed one nonetheless.  And here is my little tiny plea… I would like to do that without too much irreversible bodily damage.  Just saying.

Time to make the donuts.  Because life does go on.  And hey cancer???  The biggest FUCK YOU to you today!

Jessica


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