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Oh yeah, I have fucking cancer!

July 11, 2012 by Momma Bear

This has been a weird week, and I’m reminded a little too hard that I have cancer, stage 4 cancer.  Damnit!

I think I was riding a high for awhile… find out it’s metastasized one day, start treatment the next, have a big party and start a super cool project (and yes, it’s still coming – don’t worry!), finish treatment, start chemo with no issues, go on a dream vacation (and yes, working on that big post), start a major house purge (feels sooo good, more on that soon), get new tattoos and then… oh yeah, reality.

I had my second round of chemo, and not sure why, but it hit me hard.  Hard is relative after last go-around, but I just was/am so SO fatigued. Like sleeping 16 hours a day fatigued. Every time I try to taper off the steroids I get a headache (trying not to worry) so until my brain scan results I can’t really go off them.  My chipmunk cheeks could NOT be bigger and GOOD LORD the things it does swelling my tummy.  I’m pretty sure I could convincingly pose for pregnancy pics right now.  I’m long past the vanity stage at this point but it’s sure not very fun.

And last time with 3 weeks in between, I didn’t think much about cancer.  But now, in between these 3 weeks, I have a chest/pelvic CT, a brain MRI, and 2 big oncology appointments and then I go back for chemo.  It’s a little hard to forget this isn’t the focus of my life (okay, it needs to BE my life) for the time being.  I think that is what I’m stuck the most on maybe.  The more I process the past 10 years, the more I am finally able to DO that now that I am feeling so much better than a year ago, the more I realize that it pretty much BITES ASS that I gave my healthy years to an abusive marriage.  And yes, I am fully planning and betting on a long future ahead of me and cuddling my grandkids, but I do know that cancer and managing it will always be a part of it. I don’t want to wallow in it, but it makes me MAD.  Just saying.  And WOW WOW WOW, he is SUCH a piece of work it’s shocking.

I have started going to a support group.  I like it.  I always hear that old Sesame Street song in my head “One of these things is not like the other!” because it’s actually a breast cancer group, but the lung cancer group I tried was a horrible fit.  Lots of ex-smoking grandmas who weren’t doing very well health-wise.  This is a “young survivors” group and I like that they are dealing with kids and the issues that more impact me.  I also like that people are at all different stages in terms of current battle, and being years out, and different stages, etc.  It’s really hard, though, to be there sometimes when there is SO.  MUCH.  PAIN.  I’m mad about some stuff (although have a plan to channel it), but I also know I have come so far in a year.  And I am so grateful to our family and friends and community that got us there.  It’s true, no one DOES fight alone.  Thank you all for showing me that.  I still feel like while OBVIOUSLY I wouldn’t have chosen this, so much good has and will continue to come out of it.

So, I’m going to keep working on the Disney Wonder post (finally have the slideshow done!) and then am working on another post that is keeping me up and will hopefully bring me some closure.  Next week I will have all kinds of test results so I will update on that too.  So much to say still…

And hey cancer?  Seriously.  FUCK YOU.

Jessica


1 Comment »

  1. Randee says:

    Thank you for keeping the blog going despite feeling the way you do right now. If I’ve learned anything through this experience with you, it’s that YOU’LL BE BACK!!! We love you, pray for you and the boys and think of you every day.

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