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September, 2012

  1. So over it

    September 29, 2012 by Momma Bear

    I really never wanted a locked blog.  It was totally stifling me, too.  I was spending more time investigating who was a REAL person registering than I was in writing.  Yeah, ‘yaykaylaj’, I’m totally on to you.  I removed the posts that caused all the drama into my personal archives.  I’m just over it.

    So, these are my last real comments on this topic.  I may write about domestic violence in the future, or lament the fate of my children if they end up with my ex and his family, but in general, I’m going to focus on what I set up the blog to be about in the first place – and that’s this cancer journey.  Of course, my HEALING is all linked together, but I’m tired of being the target of of so much denial, anger, minimization, and blame.  Moving on.  I realize now that by giving them so much room in my head they still have a hold on me.

    I promise myself:  I will make changes, not excuses. I choose to live as authentically as I can, not in constant denial.  I will to listen to my inner voice, not the toxic ugly words of others – especially people I gave over 10 years of my life to.

    So.  Final Words.  This is not YOURS, it’s MINE.  If you don’t like it, DON’T READ IT.  You were the ones that turned this into an “us vs. them” thing, starting with the night before my surgery that you came to MY house and screamed at me that I was a liar.  This whole thing could have been behind us forever ago if you JUST TOOK SOME ACCOUNTABILITY and showed just the slightest of humanity and compassion for stage 4 cancer.  You know what, though?  Your inability to do either is about YOU, not ME – and ultimately says so much about YOU.  And just for the record, I’ve never used ANY first names referring to any of you, and no last names are on the blog.  This is about ME and MY HEALING.

    One last thing.  The blog is NOT my boys’.  They have never read it nor will they ever.  I feel great that I am able to support their relationship with their dad and help them manage their feelings about it.  They are clearly half his in the sense that they struggle with anger and appropriate ways to deal with it.  I am making sure they are helped.  The legacy stops here, and so does me giving you power.  OVER IT.